It is difficult to know if my perception of my world as a child was reality, or if with my emotional makeup I saw the behaviors of others differently than how others saw them. When my father got upset, his loud shouting made me feel like getting as far away from him as possible when his anger was expressed toward my sibling. Of course it it was addressed to both of us, I had no recourse but to stay physically present and let him rant.
Outbursts of anger made me feel physically and emotionally upset. I learned early on that retorting back in defense didn't get the response I hoped for, so I stayed quiet. It was easy for me to stay quiet. However, not everyone's emotional makeup is the same in such situations, and causes them to receive more punishment, whether deserved or not, and whether or not the type of punishment is warranted. Maybe in that day and age, it was more common, but certainly now a parent would be deemed abusive using the same kind of punishment that followed the yelling.
It was a time when what happened at home was certainly not spoken of elsewhere, or so it was how I was taught. Staying quiet, mulling things over and over in my young mind, was a learned behavior, and not a healthy one when it came to repeatedly thinking about disturbing things and not knowing what I could do about them. Stay out of trouble, be a good student, and get through those years was my goal.
In defense of my father, I must say that he was a good provider, worked hard on the farm and held a job where he worked 40 hours a week on rotating swing shifts, plus dealt with frequent back pain. My mother worked as a secretary, a necessity, according to my Dad. In those circumstances, I'm sure being the parent at home, he may have easily gotten upset.
As an young adult and adult, I had to learn how to stand up for myself, to learn when it was best to let people know what I believed was right, and to be comfortable in my own skin. I also learned to listen to my body and know when something was bothering me. Fortunately those things that bothered me as an adult didn't come in the way of abuse, but just in dealing with everyday life challenges. Some people are prone to headaches when they get upset. For me gastrointestinal problems, sleeplessness, and worrying came into play. I'm still basically a quieter observer type of person, but I enjoy life and upsets are way fewer.
How have I learned to overcome the symptoms when they arise? Sometimes it is not always immediately apparent to me even why I am having symptoms, so meditation and prayer have helped me immensely not only to discover what is happening but how to deal with it. Employing those two things in my life on a daily basis have helped me not to have the symptoms as often.
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It may be that I am of need of more rest in my life, or better eating habits, or one-on-one time with my husband, or a massage or an acupuncture treatment. Reading scriptures and books help give me insight on a problem especially if the writer or main character has gone through something similar. Calming music and deep breathing settle my spirit too. Diffusing certain essential oils into the air has a calming effect for me. If I were able to run at my age, I would probably do that too, but as it is, walking gets rid of some of the bad energy. Sometimes speaking with a trusted friend, church leader, or professional who has knowledge about the topic that is causing me concern alleviates some of the stress.
Joseph Parry's, Myfanwy, played on the euphonium by David Childs is so beautiful and helps me feel very peaceful.
Over the years, I have learned that it is okay to ask for help, to recognize that there are things I cannot do by myself, that there are people who are willing to help but cannot read my mind, and at times I must ask.
There are times when all of us will get upset by something we have caused, or think we have instigated. When that is the case, it is best to address the issue. Waiting only makes things worse. I've learned that postponing a task one doesn't want to do, only increases one's stress level. It is best to get the hard stuff done, so you can enjoy your life.
These coping techniques are wonderful. I'm glad you've found things that work for you. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Kerry. Without coping techniques this world could seem quite dismal at times.
DeleteI'm so glad you linked up. I think that staying quiet, especially as a child is common thing... especially in years prior. I know that in my own family life, we kept quiet about things that families today may not keep quiet about. Maybe it's access to other people's lives via Facebook and the Internet... or maybe it's more than that. I'm horrible about meditating but have found comfort in speaking to other people about my problems for sure. And hey - writing about them here online...
ReplyDeleteHere's to asking for help when we need it, and to not being quiet about our upsets when we'll find relief from voicing them.
For a long time I didn't think I was able to meditate until I read some articles about how to meditate. I'd thought if my mind started to wander I wasn't doing it right, but then I was told that if you recognize that your mind has wandered, just bring it back to center again and continue with the meditation. It does take practice. Sometimes I think my grandparents had it right. Just sit in a rocker on the porch for an hour in the afternoon, and relax.
DeleteThanks for sharing! I am the opposite: I never learned to stay quiet...and am still trying to learn how to do that some times! It was great to read more about your experiences.
ReplyDeleteIt is interesting how we are all different in how we respond to our circumstances. I suspect that the ideal is somewhere in the middle, but we start where we are and then come to center. We only fail, when we just stop trying. He who knows us best is very patient with us.
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